Shopping Can Be Hazardous to Your Health
by Kassaremidybelljesslynn
Summary: Finn goes to the store and while in an embarrassing aisle, runs into the last 4 people he would want to run into. Ever. Rated for swearing and some minor violence in later chapters. Some minor Rachel/Finn, major Finn/Puck friendship,and Jesse getting beat
1. I'm Gonna Crawl Under a Rock and Die Now

Shopping Can Be Hazardous To Your Health

Summary: Finn takes a trip to the store and while in a rather embarrassing aisle, runs into the last 4 person he would want to run into. Ever. Rated for swearing.

* * *

I was in some deep shit.

My life was over. That's all there was to it. I'm never gonna live this one down. Never. N.E.V.E.R.

You see, I had been doing whatever it took to keep on my mother's good side for two reasons: One, I had to make up for my whole screw-up with Kurt during the Lady Gaga week at glee club. Two, Rachel's dads were going to be out of town for five days and I planned to stay over there for at least one night, possibly more, if Rachel was okay with that.

So I did whatever my mom wanted and then some. I did the dishes without being asked, cleaned my room and the front room without being asked, helped my mom cook (although I actually made it worse, but she appreciated the thought) mowed the lawn, help Kurt's dad fix up some cars, and went grocery shopping for my mom. I knew she hated when I'd go to a friend's house and disappear for a week during the summer so I figured that if I made nice, she'd be okay with it.

I know I'm not the brightest tool in the shed…the sharpest crayon in the box?...whatever, I'm not that smart, but I'm not stupid. I knew my mom would never let me stay at Rachel's house for a night. I wasn't going to tell her that I was at Rachel's house. I would tell her I was going over to Rachel's house, and then going over to a friend's house. I didn't like lying to her after all the stuff we'd been through but I didn't see another way to get over to Rachel's. I didn't think Kurt's dad would have a problem with it, but I didn't know who would win that fight and I really didn't want to waste time listening to it. Wasting time meant less time at Rachel's…

For the last few days I had been doing whatever my mom wanted, since I was going to Rachel's in two days. That included making her tea, making her lunch, going on her morning jogs with her, watching soap operas with her – which I'm ashamed to say that I enjoy. Stupid Langston, cheating on Markko. What the hell is that? I mean really? He gave up everything for her and how does she repay him? But Gigi and Rex are getting back together! It's about damn time, I mean come on you two, seriously? Anyway… - and going on all kinds of errands. The only thing I hadn't done was balance her checkbook and that was only because I failed Math and she didn't trust me with it. It's not my fault the numbers laugh at me when I try to add them or multiply them. But really, who needs Math? It's not like I'm going to use any of this in the future. I'm going to play football! Who uses Math in football? I sure as hell don't!

So when she asked if I could go to the store for her today, I jumped at the chance to do something else for her. She gave me a list and I noticed she had scratched something off of the bottom. I asked what it was but she said she wouldn't make me get anything like that. I asked what it was. Probably something heavy or something, right?

WRONG!

It was pads. Don't know what pads I'm talking about?

It's okay, neither did I for a few minutes, because I stupidly volunteered to get them. She asked if I was sure and I said yes. She said to get the green ones, which were her size. I was thinking, _They don't color code knee pads or elbow pads according to size_, and then I realized what she was talking about.

Oh crap. Those kinds of pads.

You get what kinds of pads I'm talking about now? The ones only girls use? Yeah? So know I'm guessing you know how awkward that trip was going to be, but I said I'd do it, and I wasn't going to back down now. Plus, if my mom had her…thing…then that meant she wouldn't have as much energy and that would mean that she would really appreciate me being nice enough to get them for her. That would get me extra points and I could stay at my random friends house (a.k.a. Rachel) longer.

I got into the car, took a deep breath, and drove to the store. But I didn't drive to the one that everyone went to. I went to the Wal-Mart that was out of the way so there'd be less of a chance that I'd run into someone.

Don't think that I'm all into my appearance because I'm not…anymore anyway. Before, I was kind of ashamed of being in glee club and being seen with Kurt all the time, but after a while I got used to it. I mean, I liked glee club a lot and it was a big part of my life, so why should I hide it? And Kurt was actually really cool when he wasn't staring at me like he wanted to kiss me, which he had stopped doing lately. Although I think he still likes me, but not as much. I don't know if it was from my blow-up (which I really regret. Really. I apologized often about it, until Kurt told me shut up and that he had forgiven me. And that was also because of me trying to popular! See? It just doesn't go right for me!) or from the fact that maybe he had finally accepted that I wasn't gay (because I'm not. Me likey the girls…a lot), but we got along better now.

But I digress. (Hee, I know what that means. My mom uses it a lot so I finally looked it up. It makes me sound really smart…oh crap, I hope I used it right!) I'm not into my appearance anymore. But if I saw some guy looking for pads, I would be just a little weirded out, and I really didn't want to be that guy. You have to understand that one, right? Please?

Anyway, I got all the stuff I needed walking slowly to _that_ section. I hung out right in front of it, like I was looking for body wash or something, but I didn't actually go over to it. I had to work up the nerve for it. I stood looking at body washes and shampoos for about twenty minutes. You know those random facts they have on the back of those girl shampoos, the one with the weird names like "Color Me Happy" and "Hello Hydration"? Well, I kept reading the backs of them to waste time. I know a lot of useless information now. Like, did you know that the longest kiss ever was 31 hours, 18 minutes, and 33 seconds? I like making out, don't get me wrong, but that's a little too much, don't you think? I mean, come on, it's not like that person is going to get run over by a truck tomorrow so you need to make the kiss last as long as possible. I mean, what the hell is that?

Moving on…

Well, I finally worked up the courage to go over there. She said she wanted the green ones, right? Okay, green pads, green pads…well, she neglected to tell me something about pads.

Did you know there are a million types, besides sizes? Yeah, there's the smelly ones, ones with little wings, ones without wings, ones meant for "heave days" (*shudder* I don't even want to think about the meaning of that), ones meant as a "just in case" (whatever that means), and then there are a thousand brands on top of that! I had no idea which ones she wanted! Why couldn't there just be the color-coded sizes and that's it? Did they have to make this so complicated?

Well, I finally decided on a brand (store brand. Normally, Wal-Mart store brands are safe, but this Wal-Mart is super clean. They even have little wet naps that they give out at the cash registers if you want one because you're a clean freak like Ms. Pillsbury) and a type so I picked it up.

I was about to put it in my cart when I heard a voice coming from behind me.

"Finn? What the hell are you doing here?"

I turned around slowly, hoping and praying it wasn't Azimio or Karofsky although it didn't sound like them. I had had enough of those guys and if they said anything about me (or any other Glee club members for that matter) I was going to lose it. _And_ I'd probably lose my chance at staying over at Rachel's house, which would seriously piss me off.

"Hi," I said, slowly, as I turned around.

It was Puck.

And this is where I am right now. Standing here with a box of pads in my hands, staring at Noah "Puck" Puckerman, my ex best friend, who was giving me a "What the f#ck is wrong with you?" type of look.

If you don't mind, I'll just go crawl under a rock and die now.

* * *

Second chapter will be up by Saturday night/Sunday morning (depending on what time I decide to go to bed).

Hope you like it! I like it...like always, reviews are optional, but appreciated. Signed reviews are even more appreciated because then I can reply back.

Bye.


	2. I Really Suck at Lying…To Puck Anyway

Shopping Can Be Hazardous to Your Health  
Chapter 2: I Really Suck at Lying…To Puck Anyway

Summary: Finn and Puck talk, then run into a rather unexpected guest...the rating for this chapter is closer to a higher T, lower M because I'm warning you now, Puck drops the f-bomb a few times. I just felt like it was something he would say. It's nothing other than Puck's potty mouth though.

* * *

"Hi Finn," Puck says, his eyebrows pulling together, letting me know how confused he was.

So my first instinct is to pretend like nothing happened, like he didn't just catch me picking out pads. No siree bob, he did not. What are pads?...I don't know, no I do not…

I slyly put the pads in the cart, and pull a shirt I had decided to get over them, hoping he wouldn't notice. If he fell for it and asked why I was there, I'd just say I got lost.

"What are you doing here?" Puck asks me.

"I…got…lost," I manage to choke out. That didn't sound convincing. Damn me and my poor acting skills. I should have paid more attention to Rachel when she was showing me those little things you could do to become a better actor, instead of staring at her…at her. Just at her, no particular part.

"Uh-huh, of course you did. So while you were here you decided to take a souvenir with you?" he asks, gesturing to the cart.

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.

Oh. Crap.

"I…uh…I just…I was just…uh…you know…just doing…uh…" Wow, I really suck at lying.

Well, it's actually not that I suck at lying. I just suck at lying to Puck.

He could always tell when I was lying, ever since we were kids. I think it has to do with the fact that he's such a good liar himself. Up until the 6th grade, if I was lying to him he would sit on me until I told him the truth. Then I got bigger than him, so he started stealing my bike. When my mom got a tripped out alarm system because she didn't know it was Puck stealing my bike, he perfected "the stare" and would use it on me until I cracked. And no, I don't mean "the stare" that all the girls who he's slept with talk about, I mean the original "the stare." Everyone best friend – ex best friend – has one. You know, they might cock an eyebrow, move their lips to one side of their face, their eyes narrow, and they stare at you out of the top of their eyes? Yeah, that stare. Puck was a master of it.

Not that it could work on me anymore. We weren't best friends anymore, so it didn't matter if he pulled out "the stare."

Although, he could still tell when I was lying.

"Finn?" he asks, pulling me back to the present.

"Huh?" I say.

"Dude, where are you? I called you like six times. I said, 'What are you doing here?'" Puck is saying.

Then it hits me.

PUCK is in this aisle too! The only way he would have noticed me in this aisle is if he was looking for pads as well! I'm so smart!

"What are you doing here?" I demand. He freezes, staring at me. Hah, I've got him now.

"Uh…I…I…"

Who's the stupid one now Puck? Huh? Take THAT!

We just stand here for a while, both of us in a really awkward position. What _was_ he doing here? There was a small chance he was here for his mom, like me, and although I know that he loves his mom a lot, I don't think he loves her _this_ much. Hell, most of the time, _I_ don't even love my mom this much. So what was he doing here? Man, now I need to know why he's here…

I study him and realize he's looking at all the different pads. His mouth drops open a bit. I'm also pretty sure he just mouthed, "What the fuck?" but I could've imagined it. I can't stand it anymore.

"Puck, what _are_ you doing here?" I ask.

"Um…it's for Stacey," Puck says.

"Stacey…you mean…" Why would he need to be in this aisle for Stacey? Why…Oh. OH.

Oh. That's why.

"Um…okay."

"Okay…I answered your question, you answer mine."

"My mom."

"Why couldn't she get them herself?" Puck asks.

"I'm trying to earn brownie points," I say.

"Why?"

"Well, you know how much she hates it when I disappear for a week at someone's house right?" Puck nods. "So I figure that if I stay on her good side, she won't mind as much," I explain. He nods. Oh good, it makes sense.

"Does this have to do with Rachel's gay dads being out of town for a week?" he asks.

"How did you know about that?" Puck better not still like Rachel. That'll really piss me off.

"My mother is a weird Jew. She's all for gay rights – why I don't know – and Rachel's dads are going out of town for some gay rights thing," Puck explains. Oh thank God.

"Oh. Um…" I consider lying, but I still can't lie to Puck. Old habits die…fast? Die hurtfully? Die…die HARD! Old habits die hard. "Yeah."

"One other question: Who the hell are you staying with for a week?" he asks.

This brings me to a halt. I never stayed over at anyone's house for a week except for Puck's. Hell, I never really stayed at anyone's house period except for Puck. I mean, Mike and Matt and I were friends I guess, but I never really liked them enough to go over. I could say Artie. We were good friends. But mom had never met his parents. She'd want to talk to them and then I'd have to do a lot of lying to get out of it. Puck was the only good answer to that question, but we hadn't talked to each other in a really long time. Not since we had to work at Mr. Shue's ex wife's job, and then before that, not since Sectionals.

"I have not thought that far," I answer. He shakes his head then goes back to the pads. I notice the look of complete confusion on his face. It looks familiar.

Oh yeah. I know why. Because that face is on my own face almost all the time. That's why.

"Do you need help?" I ask. He gives me a look, and then goes back to his inspection. I grab one more box for my mom then turn to leave.

"Yes," I hear Puck's voice grunt. I turn around. "Why the fuck are there so many brands? What do I get her? Does it matter if I get it with or without those wing things or what? And why are they all different colors?"

"Okay, well, you're sister is really tiny. Like, she still only barely clears my waist, so I'd say get the pink ones," I say. He looks at me. "They're the smallest." He nods and moves over to the pink ones. "And…get with the wing things…and get the store brand," I say. He nods and grabs them.

"Thanks man," he says. I nod and start to walk away but then –

"And you could always tell your mom you're staying at my place."

I freeze.

"What?" I ask. Obviously, I didn't hear him right.

"You can tell your mom you're crashing at my place for the week," he repeats.

Okay, so I wasn't smelling Kurt's spray so much that the fumes went to my head. Puck had really said that.

"Why?" I hear myself asking, even though I didn't mean to. Stupid mouth. It never does what I want it to.

"You seriously think she's going to believe you're going to anyone else's house?"

"Okay, but…why? Why are you helping me?"

"Because…because…okay, because, and if you repeat this to anyone and that includes Rachel I will kick your sorry ass and deny it, but because…I miss hanging with you okay?" he says, looking down at his shoes.

What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On. Here.

"Look, Finn, I fucked up okay? I'm not gonna go all mushy on you and say that I'm sorry for sleeping with Quinn, because I'm not. I like her. But I _am_ sorry for sleeping with your girlfriend. It was fucked up thing for me to do. And I'm sorry I kept it from you all that time. I could tell that you wanted the baby after a while. And then all of a sudden, it wasn't your kid anymore. I get it, you're pissed at me. I'd be pissed at me too. I'd probably never speak to me again if I was you, and I don't expect you to be okay with me for what I did ever. I just…I'm…I'm…" he pauses for a second and takes a breath. "I'm sorry okay?" he says fiercely.

Holy crap. Puck doesn't apologize. Like ever. For anything.

And I missed him too. He was my best friend since I was five. Puck was a good friend…you know, when he wasn't sleeping with my girlfriend. He stuck up for us all when we did the Single Ladies dance. Because we got some major stuff for that, but Puck beat the crap out of all of them so they left me and Kurt alone. He beat up the kids in middle school who made fun of me because I was so tall. I beat up kids who made fun of him because he was Jewish (because really, what country do we live in? America, not one of those Jew-hating countries during one of those big wars. America.). After the whole mailman incident, Puck taught me how to drive and I pretended to be his dad and got him out of jail when the cops arrested him for grand theft auto (I wondered why he had a new car every time he taught me more stuff on driving…).

What can I say to him? Really?

"Yeah. And um…maybe I'll uh…I'll actually come over for a few hours," I say to him. A small smile popped up. "You know, just so I don't have to actually lie to my mom as much," I add in hurriedly, but it doesn't matter. I'm going over to his place for a while this Friday.

He held his hand out to me. "We cool?" he asks.

"Yeah. We're cool." I take his hand. He grabs his sister's pads and puts them in my cart and we leave the aisle. "Hey wait, my mom wanted Journey's Greatest Hits c.d. or something," I say. He rolls his eyes.

"Ass-kisser."

"Shut up." We walk over to the music section and look around for the c.d. After a few minutes, I find it. I look around for him, but he's nowhere. "Puck?"

"I'm over here Finn. And you'll never guess who I just ran into," he calls. I run over to his voice and stare. "Guess who wandered into the wrong side of town," Puck says to me. At least I think that's what he says to me. I can barely hear him. The only two people in this room right now are me and the curly-haired, singing and dancing douche bag in front of me that broke my girlfriend's heart.

The Dumbass: Jesse St. James.

"Oh shit," he says quietly.

That's right Dumbass, "Oh shit." Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

* * *

Ooh, another sort-of cliffy! I like those lately. I don't know why.

For those of you Jesse lovers, I'm sorry if I'm ticking you off with this next chapter, but in my opinion, Jesse needs to come back so Finn can beat the living daylights out of the boy for hurting Rachel so badly. Don't get me wrong, I love Jonathan Groff, but I HATE Jesse. You may want to skip the next chapter if you love Jesse, but the chapter after that should be okay.

Anyway, I hope you liked this. I hope I stayed in character with Puck. I was trying to make him go a little sentimental while still keeping him as the badass, kind of a douchbag Puck that he is. I hope I did it right.


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